Wherefore art thou, Oh Larry Himes?!

I can't resist mentioning this because I see it so often. Technically, that means something other than what you're going for. "Wherefore" means "why". In the play whence that famous quote is derived, Juliet is asking, in essence, "Romeo, why are you a Montague?". Now, WHY she is asking that is a long story that I don't have time to get into right now.

So perhaps "Wherefore art thou, Juan Pierre?" makes more sense. And it sounds nice and pretty too.

Well, Juliet doesn't want Romeo to be a Montague.  Life would be easier for her if he wasn't.

Just like we don't want Juan Pierre to be... Juan Pierre.